Family From My View

The End Signals A Beginning

August 8, 2019 /

I put the car in reverse and back out of the driveway.  I begin a 14-hour drive to a college we visited once. 

She has a dream and she’s chasing it. 

I have a knot in my stomach and peace in my heart. I am at once happy, sad, excited, fearful and nostalgic. I am her mom. 

She travels to a beginning. I travel to an end. 

Her beginning leads to new friends, experiences, freedom, memories. 

My end leads to a house void of her laughter, her backpack on the floor, her school-day run home for lunch, her energy, her clothes pushing out the laundry chute, her friends. Her.  

When she was little, I helped her adjust shin guards, pull on long socks and tie her cleats. But here’s the thing. The last time I helped her, I didn’t know it was the last time. I feel a stab of sadness. 

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

Author Unknown

A college drop off is different. It’s something I anticipated for 18 years. It is hard and it is an end. 

It’s a hard end to daily hugs, stinky cleats, team dinners, last-minute assignments, and life under the same roof. From now on, she’ll only visit. 

She is the 5th child I’ve launched and it doesn’t get any easier. Just because I know what to expect doesn’t keep the emotions from welling up before, during and after. 

This may sound like a story of my daughter, but the feelings are the very same for each child. The launch of each baby left a hole in my home and my heart. The very last launch of her and her twin brother leaves a crater bigger than the two of them.  It’s the end of 28 years of children in our home. I break open even writing the words. 

Shortly before d-day, I spend an afternoon with my daughter, her friends and their mom. We knew it would be the last time we’d be together this way. After the girls leave for college, our family is moving. I feel a jumble of emotions. 

We drive home with music blaring, singing. When we near the Great Salt Lake, raindrops hit the windshield and the sun shines. Rain and shine. Not rain or shine, but rain and shine. And then a rainbow. 

Now at the beginning of her second year, it’s still a jumble of emotions; however, I do have a bit of perspective. Now I see. Not only is it an end for me, but also a beginning. 

It is the beginning. Our relationship is bigger. We have more history. She appreciates things she previously took for granted. She misses us. She becomes all she is meant to be.

Rain and shine along with the occasional rainbow. Life is like that. 

Still, I miss my little girl.

9 Comments

  • Stefani

    August 8, 2019 at 11:24 pm

    This is my favorite post so far. It reminds me so much of how I felt watching our daughter leave for school this year. She blossomed last year and I sense so many of the same things in her that you’ve shared. Thank you.

    • Marcie

      August 14, 2019 at 11:20 am

      Oh my goodness, finally had a moment to read this. So many emotions in my own heart. The sun and rain comparison is so true. It has been bittersweet to have not only two of my own grow up and leave home, but have all these cute kids we have known for years do the same. My recovery coach says that life is “brutiful”. It is both brutal and beautiful. I agree. Thank you for sharing ❤️

  • Colleen England

    August 9, 2019 at 12:30 pm

    Love your blogs. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and raw emotions.
    I have been through this many times…with children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. (Yes….I am that old!!!)
    Having the opportunity to bring them into this world…..training them to be the best they can and then watching them fly and excel in their life is the reward we have been given. Beautiful family you have.
    Our posterity is what life is all about.

Leave a Reply