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Growing Hope
I walk down the hallway of our new home. Morning light streams through the windows. I look out to our patio and see the pink hibiscus laden with blossoms. The hibiscus takes me to my mom. I wonder, “When are Mom and Dad coming to see our house?” I wondered for a few steps, like I really thought about it. This may not seem out of the ordinary unless you know that my mom has been gone almost 15 years and my dad has been gone 2 years. Then I remembered and felt a tinge of grief. My mom loved flowers, roses in particular. She planted rose bushes at every…
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Back in Time
Have you ever wished to go back in time? Maybe you want to hug someone you’ve lost or ask them something important. Maybe you would like to reassure your younger self or snuggle your little child who is now grown. At times like this, you might wish for time travel. I’ve traveled through time and space; it’s always been unexpected and it’s always been brief. But I’ve been there, in the past. Once it happened when I was walking in Austin, Texas with my son and his family. It was short-sleeved weather in spring. I pushed the stroller on a trail along Lady Bird Lake. It’s really part of a…
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One Stitch and Story at a Time
I’m a look-forward kind of person. I like to organize and plan, which requires looking ahead. Why, then, do I spend so much time lately looking back? The answer may lie somewhere between the advent of my empty nest, the arrival of grandbabies, a cross-country move, the end of a fulfilling, yet overwhelming job, and the passing of my parents. These days I feel the need to capture family stories. To put them in one place. To share them with my kids and grandkids. I guess you could call me a storyteller. My parents were storytellers. My dad told us bedtime stories from his childhood. My mom told us family…
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Home and Heart
I walked through the house one more time, but this time I was ready to leave. I’m a look-forward kind of person. I love to plan, organize and imagine what something will be like in the future. When my husband and I were engaged, I planned our wedding, but I also planned our first home, a 2-bedroom student apartment. I actually drew a rough blueprint and sketched where each piece of collected furniture would go. My forward-thinking works another way too. When we had 5 children ranging in age from 3 to 12, my husband was offered a job out of state. Before we knew it was right to accept,…
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Loss Creates Space
My brother and I stand at the dresser I used as a child. It is covered with sewing notions. Things our mom used to patch levis, stitch quilts, and add badges to scout shirts. Things that were useful when she was around. My brother said: “It’s just a Chex tin, but I remember it from 40 years ago.” I look at the other tin, full of spools of thread and pins and buttons. It takes me to my mom. Actually everything in the house holds a memory of my mom, my dad or my childhood. Our dad’s death evokes our mom, who has been gone almost 13 years. I pick…
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Letting Go and Overgrown Rose Bushes
I pick up my dad’s Navy uniform. I feel the scratchy wool and see the contrast of white stars on dark blue. It’s heavier than it looks and I wonder how he managed in the Hawaiian humidity. I study a picture of him in uniform, standing on the shore in front of a Navy ship. He is looking at the camera. Full of the future. I’ve had lots of time to think about my dad and mom as my sister and I begin the work of condensing the contents of their lives into a single room. But that’s not entirely accurate because the contents will actually be spread across the…
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Ten Things I’d Share with Myself As A Younger Mom
I reflect a lot lately. I feel emotions wash over me with each wave of change, not the least of which is becoming an empty-nester. Grown and Flown. That’s what they call it. There are things I love about this stage of life. Scott and I have time together; we have a granddaughter. My kids are working toward their goals. They’ve added wonderful people to our family. I cook less; the house stays clean. My to-do list is shorter. I go to bed when I feel like it. I know how this sounds to harried, young moms with kids who are yelling on the other side of the bathroom door.…
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The Biology of Change
I’m in the car with my son, his wife and their daughter. They are moving from a place they love to a place they are meant to go. Almost everything is unknown. I am along to help with my granddaughter. Our drive takes us through a town where I spent 27 years. And my kids know I will savor the trip on Route 66 through my childhood. We pull off the highway. I direct them to the neighborhood where I grew up, but I miss the entrance. It looks so different. As we drive the tree-lined hill that leads to my home, time shifts to a summer day in the…
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The End Signals A Beginning
I put the car in reverse and back out of the driveway. I begin a 14-hour drive to a college we visited once. She has a dream and she’s chasing it. I have a knot in my stomach and peace in my heart. I am at once happy, sad, excited, fearful and nostalgic. I am her mom. She travels to a beginning. I travel to an end. Her beginning leads to new friends, experiences, freedom, memories. My end leads to a house void of her laughter, her backpack on the floor, her school-day run home for lunch, her energy, her clothes pushing out the laundry chute, her friends. Her. When…
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Holes in the Sky
I listen to my son’s story of feeling his grandma near. He was alone. He was struggling with the language and culture in a foreign country. It was a difficult time for our family. She had been gone for 3 years. It’s not the first time I’ve heard the story. Hearing it still makes me cry. He shared the story at a family gathering last month, our first since her funeral. We’ve been together in small groups, but for various reasons, it’s been 18 years since our last family reunion. After eating one of my mom’s signature desserts, 34 of us sit close. We swap anecdotes, some funny, some poignant,…
