First Responders: Lifelong Friends

My friend and I are 7 years old. We are at my house and we’re trying to make sense of a terrible fact. Her little brother rides his bike out of the driveway. He is hit by a garbage truck. One moment he is here. The next he is gone. Her house is full of family but is strangely empty too. 

We never figure it out, but we try, together. 

• 

• 

Through the years we write letters. Our families have been close since she moved to Oklahoma at age 5. Through moves and adolescence, our friendship ebbs and flows. It’s always there. 

My other friend and I are 10 years old. I visit her for the first time and stay at her house for 5 days. Long enough for a homebody to get homesick. I try to hide it, but her mom sees. When I go home (an hour’s drive), we write letters. We try to make sense of first crushes, 70’s hairstyles and junior high.

We never figure it out, but we try, together.

• 

• 

Our families have been close since our dads worked in church together. Through adolescence, our friendship ebbs and flows. It’s always there.

The three of us get accepted to the same university. We are roommates until, one-by-one, we get married. After college, we never live in the same state. Our friendship ebbs and flows. It’s always there. 

In 1999 and 2000, we each have our last baby(ies) — I have twins. (Except the one whose actual last baby came 10 years later.) We each have 3 older children. Our days are a blur. Our friendship has been dormant for a while. But we still need female connection. 

Digital communication is becoming a way of life. I send an email to my friends. We write when the babies are sleeping. The emails are a lifeline to women who understand. Mostly virtual, but still connected.

I read about friends who celebrate their birthdays together and I have an idea. Let’s plan a trip for our 40th birth year. Then instead of dreading the big 4-0, we’ll anticipate a celebration. 

Thus began our regular reunions. With our husbands, we celebrate 40 in Charleston, SC. We gather in Salt Lake City and New York. This year we meet in Columbus. We talk non-stop and laugh until our stomachs hurt. 

• 

• 

Why do we gather?

What is the beauty of a lifelong friend?

Lyle Lovett says it this way. “You don’t have to have anything in common with people you’ve known since you were five. With old friends, you’ve got your whole life in common.”

Or George Herbert: “The best mirror is an old friend.”   

I have a few things to add. (Sometimes I figure out life with bullet points.)

• We share memories and context. I can jump into my story without introducing characters, setting, plot, conflict or resolution.
• They know my quirks and love me anyway.
• We take turns being on the front lines and providing a defense.
• We may go months without talking and then pick up where we left off.
• We are first responders to job loss, mental illness, family crisis, parent’s illness, parent’s death, cancer, children’s heartaches and happy moments too.

We try to figure out life, together. That’s how it is with lifetime friends. 

But there’s something more. 

My husband is my best friend and biggest supporter. Our relationship is eternal, as is my relationship with our children. My husband, children and grandchildren are my most intimate and important relationships. With this, there is something uniquely supportive to families when women of faith mentor and love each other along the journey.

We are all in this together. We need each other. Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young, and hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old…We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other. These friendships are a necessary source of sustenance. We need to renew our faith every day. We need to lock arms and help build the kingdom so that it will roll forth and fill the whole earth.

Marjorie Pay Hinckley

We need real women, in their real-life situations —  I think precisely because of their imperfections — to encourage us. Because they have been there. Maybe not your exact spot, but in a place of real-life or darkness that she faced with grace. Although we each have the light of Christ, sometimes that light is hard to access. But we can see another’s light and it can help to rekindle ours. 

Recall the new star that announced the birth at Bethlehem? It was in its precise orbit long before it so shone. We are likewise placed in human orbits to illuminate. Divine correlation functions not only in the cosmos but on this planet, too.

Neal A. Maxwell

Is that it? I’m not sure I’ve written the truth of it all. But I know this: my friends illuminate my orbit.